Picking my Battles

I’ll admit it. I’m a control freak. I think my way is the best way. I think I know more about my kids than anyone else. If it’s one thing kids with special needs will give you its… humility.

There is no room for pride or complete control when you are battling anxiety, moodiness, hyperactivity, food allergies and self protective behaviors. When I get overwhelmed and frustrated, I try to stop and imagine how frustrated my kids feel.

This was a big weekend. After 13 years, I had my last Creative Memories crop. It’s time to move on, but change is scary.

My sister came down to stay with me and we had a great weekend together. Hubby had a pretty good day with the kids too.

After a great night out, my sister and I came home and found my son awake and wanting lemonade. So, out I went for the lemonade. My sister, who is kid-less, couldn’t understand why I would go out at 9:30 for lemonade.

I can’t blame her. I mean really. What parenting book would back my actions up? I find myself in this place often – stuck between the parenting that looks “correct” and the parenting that works for MY kids.

There is a catch 22 in recovering your kids. If I did nothing, it would be immediately obvious that my kids have special needs. While this wouldn’t be good or bad, it would be a known.

I work myself into self inflicted migraines orchestrating treatments, supplements, doctors and medicines to create children who can function “normally” in the day. But at home, at nighttime the true anxieties and disabilities come into full view.

For my sister, and many others, it looks like we have children who are deliberately defiant, stubborn, disrespectful and selfish. It is maddening to hubby and me, but recovery takes time.

Taking my sister with me to fetch the lemonade I was able to explain to her and remind myself that Job’s anxieties are so high. He doesn’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with the fact that we are out of lemonade. I also know he is chronically dehydrated and has a hard time falling asleep.

Intellectually I know I am doing what my son needs at this time. Only my psychologist backs up these thoughts. Other parents, family members and friends believe that I “think” I know what I’m doing, but the truth be told – they think these kids just need old fashioned discipline. Trust me – it doesn’t work.

Last week I was researching the Son Rise program that Jenn Jordan raves about. While I know very little    about it, I read that their approach to autism is to actually let the child stim ,or perseverate on something and get down to the child’s level. I believe you even go as far as to do the same action with the child. In copying  the child  - you communicate and eventually stops that behavior – once it is recognized by the adult.

Again, the concept is new to me, but my going out and getting lemonade said to Job: “I get it. You need routine. You want lemonade and it will calm you down. If I fight you, your body will tense up and your anxiety will be too great to go to bed. I love you. I am not fighting you. You have a say.”

I am waging my battles against the symptoms of my kids diagnoses, not my kids. They are as frustrated as I am, if not more. SO what about you? What battles do you pick?